


RWBY drabbles

by KB9VCN



Category: RWBY
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2018-05-22 22:45:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 64
Words: 6,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6096395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Published 1-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.</p><p>For the <a href="http://31-days.livejournal.com/"><strong>31_days</strong></a> "<a href="http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html">a greeting and a meeting team</a>" prompt.</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. A Nice Weiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[a greeting and a meeting team](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.

Ruby began a Team RWBY meeting with a greeting that she had used before. "Sisters... Friends... Weiss." 

"That still isn't funny," Weiss growled. "I know I can be... difficult... but I really am trying to be nice."

"That might be so," Ruby replied sternly, "but you're not my sister— and you're NOT my friend."

Blake and Yang gasped, and even the cold-hearted Weiss was taken by surprise. "...what?" Weiss said in a small hurt voice.

Ruby suddenly glomped Weiss. "You're my PARTNER!" Ruby declared happily.

"RUBY!" a secretly relieved Weiss shouted. "Do we need to talk about 'personal space' again!?"


	2. Port Portions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 2-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[a spare tire rolled under his overshirt](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.

At a Beacon Academy alumni reception, two former students observed Professor Port from a short distance through the crowd.

"The Professor certainly has let himself go," the first alumni said to the second. "He wasn't that heavy when I took his classes."

"That might be so," the second alumni said, "but he could still slay more Grimm than a Huntsman half his age... or half his size."

The two alumni silently watched Port for awhile longer.

"I must admit," the first alumni said, "that he's shown the appetizer table no mercy."

"Those poor _hors d'oeuvres_ ," the second alumni said sadly.


	3. Fawn Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 3-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[all the sheep have followed the spoken word](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> This is an out-take from v2 c4 "Painting The Town."
> 
> This contains politically incorrect villains. Reader discretion is advised.

As a crowd of Faunus stepped forward to join the White Fang, a smug Roman turned to his accomplice. "Just look at those fools, Neo. I've got them eating from the palms of my hands. Some of those animals would probably even literally eat from our hands."

An even more smug Neo shrugged noncommittally.

"You know," Roman snarked, "it'd be nice if YOU fawned over me once in awhile."

Neo fluttered her eyes and gave her boss a flirtatious smile while giving him the finger.

"Never change, Neo," an amused Roman said.

Neo gave him a much more sincere thumbs-up.


	4. The Future Is Grimm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 4-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[your life is leaning downhill](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.

Professor Oobleck addressed a new class of students. "Welcome to Beacon Academy. A glorious future as Huntsmen and Huntresses awaits you... that is, unless you're ambushed by Grimm and torn to pieces.

"But then, it might be better if you die young. Otherwise, you'll have to endure the chronic pain of your inevitable injuries in your old age, while ungrateful politicians disparage your service and continually reduce your pensions and health care..."

An uncomfortable silence fell over the classroom.

A girl in the front row raised her hand. "May I be excused to see a career counselor?" she asked tearfully.


	5. SeaMonkeys Suit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[confused, abused, but not amused](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.

Sun waited impatiently while Neptune dressed himself. "Wouldja hurry UP!?... Why do you wear a dress shirt and tie, anyway? It's not as if there's a dress code here. And in case you hadn't noticed, we don't work desk jobs."

"Excuse me for dressing like a gentleman," Neptune growled, "instead of running around half-naked like a bubble-headed blond bimbo."

"You don't know anyone who dresses like that, you big nerd," Sun said. "...heeeeeey waitaminit. You're talking about ME, aren't you."

Neptune patted his good friend's head in an extremely condescending manner. "Don't worry your pretty little head about it, sweetie."


	6. Personal Space Heater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 6-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I hated your body, but I needed your touch](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> [WEISS YOU USELESS LESBIAN](https://www.tumblr.com/search/weiss%20you%20useless%20lesbian)

On an overnight mission, Ruby and Blake snuggled up on both sides of a softly-glowing and toasty-warm Yang, but Weiss still shivered alone in her bedroll.

"Room for one more," Yang said to Weiss.

"N-n-no th-th-thank you," Weiss stammered.

"C'mon, Weiss," a concerned Ruby said. "Don't be cold."

"...f-f-fine." Weiss crawled over to the threesome, but paused. "Wh-where?..."

Yang patted her chest. "We saved the best spot for you."

An extremely embarrassed Weiss rested her head in one of the nicest places outside of Heaven.

"Comfy?" Yang asked with a grin.

Weiss remained silent. _[Stupid sexy Yang](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/StupidSexyFlanders)_ , she thought bitterly.


	7. Pull The Lever, Ozpin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 7-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[smiling as I throw the switch](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains psychological torture. Reader discretion is advised.

Ozpin and Glynda had summoned the students for another bizarre test. "I'm sure you're wondering what this switch does," Ozpin said, gesturing to a nearby lever. "You'll find out when I pull it... in thirty minutes."

"...can't you at least give us a hint?" Jaune asked nervously.

"Thirty. Minutes." Ozpin said sternly. "I suggest you use this time to PREPARE yourselves."

"That lever doesn't actually do anything, does it?" Glynda whispered to Ozpin. "You're just playing with their tiny little minds."

Ozpin held a finger to his lips and winked slyly at Glynda.

_[Very bad man](http://www.cartoonistgroup.com/properties/rudypark/art_images/cg52f46ffa18843.jpg)_ , Glynda thought to herself.


	8. Cold Call Rejected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 8-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[beginnings are endings for all but a few](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains Jaune being an idiot (but what else is new?). Reader discretion is advised.

* _BEEP_ * "* _sigh_ * Hello?"

"PLEASE DON'T HANG UP hello Weiss PLEASE DON'T HANG UP this is Jaune PLEASE DON'T HANG UP I was wondering if you'd like to study for exams with me PLEASE DON'T HANG UP and maybe we could go out for dinner or just order a pizza PLEASE DON'T HANG UP just give me a chance PLEASE DON'T HANG UP I know I must sound like a desperate borderline stalker to you PLEASE DON'T HANG UP but I really think this could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship PLEASE DON'T HANG—"

* _BEEP_ *

[ _ADD TO REJECT LIST?_ ]

[ _YES_ ]


	9. Ski Destructor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 9-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the aching and the breaking](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains off-screen violence and a Dad Joke. Reader discretion is advised.

A weary Ren returned to Team JNPR's room. "How was your weekend skiing trip?" asked Jaune.

Ren sat on his bed and rubbed his aching joints. "I was with Nora," he said. "Do you have to ask?"

"...good point," Jaune said sheepishly.

"Did Nora enjoy herself?" Pyrrha asked.

"Quite," Ren said. "She destroyed the ski-lift and set the lodge on fire... and she broke two legs."

Jaune and Pyrrha gasped. But then, an unharmed Nora skipped into the room. 

"I thought you said?..." Jaune asked Ren.

"She broke two legs," Ren said patiently, "but they were both on other people."


	10. Clothing Optional

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[there are clothes that haven't been worn](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains mild adult humor and pending violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Ruby and Yang were perusing the closet that Ruby shared with Weiss.

"Weiss brought too many clothes," Yang said. "I bet she's never even worn some of these."

Ruby giggled. "What?" said Yang.

"If Weiss hasn't been wearing her clothing," Ruby said, "then she might be a nudist! Wouldn't that be funny, if our prim-and-proper little Weiss were an exhibitionist? Hee hee!"

Yang suddenly gulped and pointed over Ruby's shoulder.

"...Weiss just walked up behind me, didn't she?" Ruby asked quietly.

"Yup," said Yang.

"And she's about to hit me for making that joke?" Ruby asked sadly.

"Yup," said Yang.


	11. Petting Party Pooper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Sep-2015; angst?/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I left her in the early morning](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> Bumblebee tease.

Yang jumped down from her bed, and paused to glance at Blake, who was apparently still asleep.

_She's sleeping without her ribbon_ , Yang thought. _Y'know, her faunus ears are really cute._

Without thinking, Yang leaned in and reached down towards Blake's head. Her open hand brushed Blake's ears...

But then, she abruptly pulled her hand back. _What am I DOING?_ she thought. _I can't just pet Blake like a cat! There's no way that she would like that!_

An unusually embarrassed Yang turned away and ran from the room.

_Yang, you coward_ , an awake and disappointed Blake thought to herself.


	12. Crevice Canvass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 12-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[deeper still than what it seemed](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Team JNPR stood at the edge of a seemingly bottomless crevice.

"Our mission," Jaune said, "is to explore this terrifying geological feature."

"After you," Ren said.

"Nuh-uh," Jaune said.

"We're wasting time!" Nora impatiently shoved Jaune over the edge.

"YAH-HOO-HOO-HOOOoooo..." Jaune disappeared into the pitch-black depths.

After a few seconds, Nora whistled. "It must be REALLY deep. He hasn't hit bottom yet."

"We have to go after him!" Pyrrha cried.

"OK." Nora cracked her knuckles and grinned maniacally at her remaining teammates. "Who's going next?"

Immediately regretting her words, Pyrrha frantically pointed at Ren, who frantically pointed back at her.


	13. Blue Velvet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[something's going on between them](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains explicit adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Team RWBY watched Velvet and Yatsuhashi from a distance.

"Do you think something's going on between them?" Ruby asked.

"Oh, I'm sure of it," an unusually romantic Weiss said. "You can see it in the way he's always protecting her."

"I'm pretty sure that I've seen long brown hairs on his tunic," Yang said knowingly.

"And I've heard them having sex," Blake said matter-of-factly.

The others froze in shock. Ruby's face quickly turned as red as her cloak.

"I'm surprised you haven't heard them," Blake said. "I mean, Velvet SCREAMS like a BANSHEE when she c—"

"THANK you," Weiss snapped.


	14. Mental Blake Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 14-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[slipped into hysteria and talked about the moon](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> This volume 2 outtake is just an excuse to quote [Francis E. Dec, Esq.](http://www.bentoandstarchky.com/dec/)
> 
> This contains random weirdness. Reader discretion is advised.

Yang found an obsessed and sleep-deprived Blake working at a data terminal. "BLAKE! [GO the F*** to SLEEP!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Go_the_Fuck_to_Sleep)" a concerned Yang said.

"I CAN'T!" Blake cried. "I have to stop the Worldwide Computer God Secret Containment Policy Brain Bank Brain in the brain bank cities on the far side of the moon before the moon-brain of the Computer God activates the Frankenstein threshold brainwash radio lifelong inculcating conformist propaganda, and OH GOD I really DO need to get some sleep!"

Yang gave Blake a maternal hug. "Don't worry, hon," she said gently. "You'll sleep off that psychosis in no time."


	15. Stick In The Mud (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 15-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[she would not listen but I do not mind](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> Given tomorrow's prompt, you can probably guess what happens in part 2.
> 
> This contains more Weiss abuse. Reader discretion is advised.

Team RWBY walked along a wooded path to a lake-side beach in their swimsuits.

Weiss paused when the others turned away. "Aren't you coming?" she asked.

"We can't go that way," Ruby said.

"But this is the path!... FINE! You IDIOTS can get LOST!" Weiss stormed on.

"Didn't you see the warning sign?" Ruby shouted. "The path washed out into a deep mud-filled gully—"

They suddenly heard a shriek and the splattering sound of mud on skin.

"Should I pull her out now or later?" Ruby asked.

"Later," Blake said without hesitation.

"Definitely later," Yang agreed.

"OK," Ruby said cheerfully.


	16. Stick In The Mud (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 16-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[wishing that we weren't the ones who were stuck](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains predictable creepy fan-service. Reader discretion is advised.

Ruby peeked over one side of the gully. "Are you OK, Weiss?"

"Do I LOOK OK?" a mud-covered Weiss shouted. "Get me OUT of here!"

"Alright. Wait a minute— YEEEK!" * _SPLAT_ *!

Weiss groaned. "You DUNCE! Now we're BOTH stuck down here!"

"Sorry, Weiss," said a mud-covered Ruby. "It's too slippery. We'll have to wait for help."

"What'll we do until then?" Weiss asked.

"...wrestle?" Ruby suggested playfully.

"Are you CRAZY?" Weiss yelled.

Ruby lost her patience. "No, I'm stuck in a mud-pit in my swimsuit with a stuck-up heiress who's NO FUN AT ALL!"

"...oh, you're going DOWN," Weiss snarled.


	17. Ren Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 17-Sep-2015; angst/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I found her crying in the morning](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.

Nora innocently jumped on Ren's bed, expecting him to be still asleep. "Rise and shine!" she said.

But then, she realized that the bed was empty. "Ren?..." she said in an uncertain voice.

She suddenly began to throw the sheets and pillows aside, as if she actually hoped to find Ren under them. "REN! Where ARE you!" she shouted tearfully.

Ren walked up. "What are you doing, Nora? I only went to the bathroom— OOF!"

Nora glomped him. "DON'T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!" she bawled.

A bemused Ren patted her head. _And she says we're not 'together' together_ , he thought.


	18. No Can Do Candy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 18-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[she laughed and said she probably would](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.

Mercury was teasing Emerald again as they strolled through the city.

"So," Mercury asked, "do you still have any moral scruples left at all?"

"Try me," Emerald said.

Mercury pointed to an elderly pensioner. "Would you steal his savings, and leave him homeless and hungry?"

"* _pfft_ * In a second," Emerald said with an evil giggle. "You'll have to do better than that."

Mercury pointed to a child sitting in a carriage and holding a large golden lollipop. "Would you steal that candy from that baby?"

"Of COURSE not!" Emerald said angrily. "...you KNOW I can't STAND butterscotch-flavored candy."


	19. Gotta Go Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[squirming just a little bit](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.

Ruby and Weiss stood back-to-back, weapons raised, as a circle of Grimm slowly closed in on them.

But then, Weiss felt Ruby squirming just a little bit. "What are you DOING, you dolt?" Weiss hissed.

"Sorry, Weiss," said Ruby, "but I gotta go."

Weiss briefly lowered Myrtenaster and face-palmed with her free hand. "We're about to fight a horde of merciless monsters for our very lives... and YOU have to GO TO THE BATHROOM!?"

"But I gotta go REALLY BAD!" Ruby whined like a little girl.

"WELL," Weiss yelled, "YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE WE LEFT THE ACADEMY!!"


	20. Bikini Kill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 20-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I decided that I needed less not more](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains literally dangerous levels of Pyrrha fan-service. Reader discretion is advised.

Jaune walked into a private training room. "Whatcha doin' PyrrHAAAAAAA HAMANA HAMANA!!—"

Pyrrha had changed from her relatively-modest armor into a tiny chain-mail bikini. "I thought that I might try wearing less heavy battle gear, in order to move more quickly while fighting," she said. ... _and to seduce you_ , she thought.

She struck a fighting pose, flexing her well-toned body and flashing plenty of underboob. "Do you think this would be effective, Jaune?"

Jaune answered her indirectly by suffering a massive nosebleed and slumping to the floor.

"I'M SORRY!" Pyrrha said predictably. "I didn't think it would be THAT effective!"


	21. Tomb Of The Unknown Shopper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[no one knows exactly who she was or how she died](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains grim black humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Velvet and Yang were walking to a clothing store. Velvet paused by a stone monument near the building, bowed her head and prayed.

"That's an unusual place for a grave marker," Yang said quietly. "Was it someone you knew, Velvet?"

"No one knows exactly who she was or how she died," Velvet said sadly. "She was last seen alive in front of Coco just before a sale at this very store."

Velvet turned to Yang with an ominous warning. "Yang? Never, EVER come between Coco and fashionable clothing."

Yang gulped. "...maybe we should just go to the second-hand store instead."


	22. Bump Her Crop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[he was not my lover, he was not my friend](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> This is a fourth-wall-breaking crack-pairing train wreck (I gave up after this third draft).

"Professor Goodwitch, may I ask you a personal question?" Blake asked. "Are you and Professor Ozpin, um..."

"Not at all," Glynda said dismissively. "We only work together. And I barely knew the man before we..."

But then, she smiled. "Why, Blake Belladonna! Are you flirting with me?"

"...maybe," Blake said shyly.

"I wonder why I always get the perverted ones," Glynda thought out loud.

"How did you know I was— I mean, I'm not—" Blake stammered.

"Maybe it's the riding crop." Glynda held said crop under Blake's chin. "Does this 'work' for you?"

"It 'works' for me," Blake admitted.


	23. Crush On You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 23-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[they argue deep into the night](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.

Weiss and Blake were having another argument about the Schnee Dust Company and the White Fang, from their lower bunk-beds, while Ruby and Yang tried to sleep.

"OH, fer CRYIN' out LOUD!" Yang finally yelled. "Blake, if you don't SHUT UP and GO to SLEEP, I'm gonna jump on this bed and BRING IT DOWN ON YOU!!"

"...Ruby?" asked Weiss. "You wouldn't do that to me... would you?"

"Nah," Ruby said in a bone-chilling voice. "I think I'll give you a BIG FRIENDLY HUG and tell you how much I LOVE you—"

"NO MORE!" Weiss cried. "PLEASE DON'T TORTURE ME!"


	24. And Keeps On Ticking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[like much too warm ice cream](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains explicit adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Yang returned to her teammates. "Sorry, guys. Neo got away again."

"You were gone for a long time," Blake said. "What happened?"

"Neo gave me a really good licking this time," Yang said sheepishly.

"Do you need a doctor, Yang?" asked Ruby.

"No, but I do need a shower," Yang said, "and I also need to reconsider my relationship goals." 

"What?" asked Weiss. "Why?"

"I already told you," Yang said dreamily. "Neo gave me a good licking. A REALLY good licking."

"...I don't get it," said an innocent Ruby.

"EEWWW!!" said an uptight Weiss.

"...go on," said an intrigued Blake.


	25. Heeled Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[everything that gives us pleasure also gives us pain](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains Ruby Cute Overload. Reader discretion is advised.

Ruby came across her high heels from the dance. "Stupid lady stilts," she muttered as she threw them back into her closet.

"You'd better get used to 'em," said Yang. "Most womens' shoes aren't as comfortable as your boots."

"I don't care," Ruby said. "I'm NEVER wearing them again." She sat on her bed, drew her knees up to her chin, wrapped her cloak over her legs, and hid under her hood.

"D'awww, poor little Rubles," said an amused Yang. "Let's go slaughter some creatures of Grimm, and then you can have some milk and cookies. 'Kay?"

"...'kay," said Ruby.


	26. Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti NO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[singing simple melodies that no one ever heard](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.

Weiss was in an unusually good mood. As she walked to class with Ruby, she began to sing a simple melody to herself.

"Oh, wow!" Ruby gushed. "I didn't know you could sing, Weiss! You're really good! You should enter a talent contest!"

"Um, thank you, but I'd rather not," Weiss said with uncharacteristic modesty.

"No, really!" Ruby said. "You could become an idol, and sing, and dance, and make people happy!..."

Weiss stared at Ruby with an astonished look of utter disbelief.

"Oh. Sorry," an embarrassed Ruby said. "I forgot that 'making people happy' isn't really your thing."


	27. The Hero Pyrrha Deserves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 27-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[But I wouldn't be a hero, I'd be dead](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.

Jaune rejoined his team in a forest clearing. "Did we get all of the Grimm?" he asked.

"Not quite," Nora said. "We saved the biggest one for you." She pointed to a huge Ursa slowly shuffling towards them.

"Gee, THANKS," Jaune whimpered. "You SHOULDN'T have."

Nora whispered in his ear. "Pyrrha's watching. Now's your chance to show her what you've learned from her training."

Jaune glanced back at Pyrrha. "Hello again!" she said predictably, eagerly watching Jaune with loving anticipation.

_Oh well_ , Jaune thought. _This won't be the first time some idiot got killed while trying to impress a woman._


	28. Hers De Combat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 28-Sep-2015; angst; 200 words (100+100).
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[where I could be warm and dry](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains adult themes. Reader discretion is advised.

Neo staggered along a dark alley in a cold rain, looking for a place to rest after a Dust crystal robbery went wrong. Yang had found her, and they had fought long and hard... and then, they had been attacked by a rogue gang of White Fang.

Neo tried to open her parasol, but it was jammed. She cast it aside, and her exhaustion and injuries made her head spin. Suddenly, she lost her strength and found herself lying flat on her back.

_Oh well_ , Neo thought as she passed out. _It was a short life, but it was fun_...

—

Neo awoke, and found herself in a nearby empty building— in the lap of her enemy.

"Relax, Neo," a weary Yang hissed. "Neither one of us are in any condition to fight."

A shocked Neo looked up at her nemesis with wide eyes and a gaping mouth.

"Well, I couldn't just leave you to die in the street," Yang said. "Unlike SOME people, I have a conscience... Let's just rest and get our strength back, OK? We can settle the score another time."

_Oh dear_ , an unusually reflective Neo thought. _Killing you would be easier if you weren't so kind_...


	29. Despicable Grimm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 29-Sep-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[their eyes are big and sweet](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also [_Despicable Me_](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Despicable_Me).

Port had summoned Ruby to fight a creature of Grimm in class, much like Weiss had done earlier.

"Prepare yourself, child," Port said. "You're about to face the most dangerous Grimm of them all." 

He opened a huge cage to reveal a tiny Grimm resembling a long-haired kitten with big sad eyes.

Ruby's face lit up. "IT'S SO FLUFFY!!" she shouted with childish delight.

"FOCUS, YOU FOOL!" Weiss shouted from her seat. "If you let your guard down, it'll KILL you!"

But Ruby couldn't help herself. "[IT'S SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIE!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82utG7Q3G_k)" she cried with both figurative and literal alarm.


	30. Onesie For Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 30-Sep-2015; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[somehow I was seduced](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3098779.html)" prompt.
> 
> This take place ~~some time after Jaune and Pyrrha inevitably get together~~.
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Jaune was sorting his laundry. "Hey! Where are [my jam-jams](http://rwby.wikia.com/wiki/File:1103_The_Shining_Beacon_Pt.2_06031.png)?" he said to himself.

"* _ahem_ *"

Jaune looked up to see Pyrrha striking a pose in his pajamas. "What do you think?" she asked slyly.

"I think you were wise to wait until just after I'd washed them," Jaune said. "And also, they're both the sexiest thing and the LEAST sexy thing I've ever seen you wear."

Pyrrha walked up to Jaune and draped herself against him. "Want me to take them off?" she purred.

"If you DON'T take them off," Jaune said, "I might just jump into them with you."


	31. Hang In There Blakey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-Dec-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[leaves fall from my branches but I try to hold on](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3142568.html)" prompt.

As Yang walked under a large tree, she heard a familiar voice. "* _pssst_ *! Yang!" 

She looked up to find Blake desperately clinging to a branch like a lost kitten.

Yang smirked. "Aw, c'mon! I've seen you jump from twice that height in battle."

"I can't help it!" the feline faunus said tearfully. "Yang, PLEASE! I'm SCARED!"

"Sorry, hon." Yang held out her arms. "Just let go, OK? I'll catch ya."

Blake gulped, and then she let go. Yang caught her easily.

"Thank you," Blake said shakily.

"Just taking care of my Blakey," said Yang. "Good partners don't grow on trees."


	32. You Lilac Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 4-Dec-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[in this world, love has no color, yet how deeply my body is stained by yours](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3142568.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains OOC Neo Cute Overload. Reader discretion is advised.

"I see you've got a thing for Red's sister," Roman said smugly to Neo.

A shocked Neo stared at Roman, as if to say, _How did you know?_

Roman took out his scroll, turned on its 'selfie' camera, and handed it to Neo. "See for yourself."

Neo was mortified to see that her ever-changing eyes had unconsciously turned lilac— the color of Yang's eyes. She shakily returned Roman's scroll, and then she hid her face in her hands and made barely-audible embarrassed Neo noises.

_It should be doubly criminal_ , Roman thought to himself, _for a criminal to be this cute._


	33. Ruby Cute Overload

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 7-Dec-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[your heart is big enough to fill three of mine, and if you don't think that's some kind of gift, I don't know what to tell you](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3142568.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains Exactly What It Says On The Tin. Reader discretion is advised.

Jaune found his team-mates giving an embarrassed Ruby an affectionate group hug.

"Why don't you three ever hug me like that?" Jaune asked sadly.

"Duh!" said Nora. "It's 'cause little Rubles is totes adorbs!"

"Our fellow team's leader is remarkably adorable," Pyrrha agreed.

"Ren! Even you would betray me?" Jaune asked dramatically.

"You're a better Hunter than people give you credit for," an unusally verbose Ren said, "and you're a dear friend. However, you are in no way, shape, or form 'totes adorbs'."

"Fair enough," Jaune said. "To be honest, I wanna hug Ruby too."

"Can't... breathe..." Ruby squeaked adorably.


	34. The Cat That Didn't Walk By Herself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Dec-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I needed to be somewhere different. Maybe I needed to be someone different, too](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3142568.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[The Cat That Walked By Himself](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just_So_Stories)" by Rudyard Kipling.
> 
> This contains adult language and humor, including a vulgar pun. Reader discretion is advised.

Weiss found Blake and Yang packing their bags. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"I need to get away for a few days," a moody Blake said, "and go someplace where no one knows I'm a faunus."

"Why are you going too?" Weiss asked Yang.

Yang shrugged. "Just tagging along, I guess." 

Weiss crossed her arms and smirked at Yang. "You're dropping everything at Blake's whim? Why, she's got you—" 

"DON'T SAY IT!!" Yang yelled.

Weiss said it. "...pussy-whipped."

Blake face-palmed. "It's SHIT like THIS, Weiss!" 

"Yeah," Yang agreed, "I'm glad I'm leaving too."

"I regret NOTHING," Weiss said smugly.


	35. Cry Wolf At The Door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Dec-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[what all these poets dare not say is that every girl has wolves pacing rhythms in her heart](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3142568.html)" prompt.

Weiss was lounging in bed and reading business news on her scroll. After awhile, she sighed.

An upside-down Ruby peeked down from her bed. "What's wrong?"

"Schnee Dust Company profits are down by one-eighth percent this month," Weiss said sadly.

Ruby giggled. "Well, it's not as if 'the Beowolves are at your door'."

"It might be stereotypical behavior," Weiss said, "but young women like us should be concerned about financial security."

"Don't worry, Weiss," said Ruby. "If you ever lose all your money, Team RWBY'll take care of you."

"I think I'd rather be 'thrown to the Beowolves'," Weiss muttered.


	36. Together Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 17-Dec-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[dark water and the veins of trees](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3142568.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains creepy adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Ren awkwardly walked up to Jaune and Pyrrha with Nora completely stuck to him like a happy sloth.

"I can't wait to hear how this happened," Jaune said.

"We were collecting [red sap](http://rwby.wikia.com/wiki/Red_Sap)," Ren said, "and she spilled it all over us. It's really sticky when it dries."

"Yikes," said Jaune. "Need any help?"

"Thanks, but we just need a long hot shower." Ren grabbed some towels and wobbled away.

"Looks like they're finally 'together together', huh," Jaune said to Pyrrha.

_I wonder,_ Pyrrha thought to herself, _how much sap it would take to glue myself to Jaune like that._


	37. Sticky Fingers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-Dec-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[softened silver dancing through the outstretched palm too easily](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3142568.html)" prompt.

Mercury and Emerald met up after an afternoon of thievery. "Any pockets picked?" Mercury asked.

"Plenty." Emerald reached into her pockets and suddenly scowled. "Mercury! Did you pick MY pocket?"

"No..." Mercury checked his own pockets, and then sighed. "But I see who just picked us both clean."

He pointed out Neo, who was sauntering away while flashing a thick wad of bills over her shoulder.

"Hey!" Emerald cried. "We stole that money fair and square!"

"Yeah," Mercury grumbled, "and she's just gonna spend it on ice cream."

"The ice cream might explain her 'sticky fingers'," Emerald thought out loud.


	38. Stone Cold Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 28-Dec-2015; angst?/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[beneath ice there is a world moving slow](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3142568.html)" prompt.

Yang and Ruby were chatting while Blake was studying. "How are things between you and the 'Ice Queen'?" Yang asked Ruby.

"Not so good," Ruby said sadly. "For awhile, I thought Weiss was warming up to me. But lately, she's been as cold as ever."

"Don't worry, Rubles," said Yang. "If anyone can 'break the ice' with her, you can."

"You think so?" Ruby asked hopefully.

"I agree," Blake suddenly said. "Unfortunately, there's nothing beneath her icy exterior but a cold lifeless heart of stone."

"Blake?" said an irritated Yang. "Please don't try to comfort Ruby while you're studying astronomy."


	39. Point Me At The Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-Jan-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[aim to the sky with love and hope and time](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3152652.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "Point Me At The Sky" by Pink Floyd.
> 
> This contains slapstick violence and a gratuitous pun. Reader discretion is advised.

Ozpin and Glynda had asked Jaune and Pyrrha to return to the Beacon Cliffs.

"I appreciate your 'volunteering' to help us," Ozpin said. "Jaune, please stand on the first launcher... You see, I asked our technicians to do some maintenance work on the launcher's mechanism. I need to test its performance under load."

"WHAT!? But I still don't have a landing strategEEEEEEEEeeeeeeee..." Jaune was sent into the stratosphere.

"And now you're going to launch me after him for no particular reason," Pyrrha guessed.

"That's right," Ozpin said. "Just think of it as a 'casual fling'."

Glynda and Pyrrha both groaned.


	40. Winter Is Coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Jan-2016; humor?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[family means taking the folks we're stuck with and choosing to love them anyway](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3152652.html)" prompt.

Weiss was running, with Ruby in tow, to meet Winter, who was briefly stopping by Beacon Academy again.

"Why are you so happy to see her?" Ruby gasped. "You two didn't really seem that close to me."

"You and Yang are both lazy fools, and so you wouldn't understand— WINTER!!" Weiss cut herself off at the sight of her beloved sister, and ran up to her with arms outstretched.

Winter slapped Weiss' face so hard that poor little Weiss staggered backwards. "YOU'RE THIRTY SECONDS LATE!!" Winter snarled.

_I like my relationship with Yang better,_ a terrified Ruby thought to herself.


	41. Less Talk, More Action

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 17-Jan-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[nine times out of ten, talking is a way of avoiding doing things](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3152652.html)" prompt.

"You might have stolen almost every speck of Dust in the kingdom," Cinder said to Roman, "but no amount of fast-talking changes the fact that you've repeatedly let Ruby get away."

"Oh?" said Roman. "And what does talking— or NOT talking— have to do with defeating Huntresses?"

Neo suddenly trotted up, effortlessly carrying a bound and gagged Yang over her head, like an ant stealing a meatball from a picnic. She dumped Yang on the floor in front of Roman and Cinder, and then clapped her hands as if to clean them.

Roman face-palmed. "Neo? Good work... but bad timing."


	42. Partner Business

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written 9-Dec-2015, published 31-Jan-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[maybe that’s the mark of a real leader](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3152652.html)" prompt.

"ROOOBEEE!!" said Yang. "I don't understand this math assignment at all, and Blakey is busy. Lemme borrow your partner."

"HEY!!" said Weiss. "I'm not a thing to be borrowed!—"

Ruby cut her off. "Weiss' tutoring services don't come cheap. How about a backrub for her and a box of cookies for her 'manager'?"

Yang considered this offer. "...yeah, alright. A passing grade is worth that much."

Ruby turned to Weiss. "Are those terms OK with you, Weiss?"

An impressed Weiss answered her indirectly. "Ruby? Forget becoming a Huntress. I want you negotiating contracts for me at the Schnee Dust Company."


	43. Pancake Handler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 8-Feb-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[as for you, Private, if you mention a word of this to anyone, I'll feed you to the cat thing here. Understand?](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3162331.html)" prompt.

Ren was making pancakes on a portable skillet. Blake and Yang were waiting for servings.

"Hey Ren," said Yang. "Lemme make my own."

Ren handed the skillet to Yang, and then wisely stood well back.

Yang flicked the skillet much too hard and flipped her pancake away. She looked up— and the pancake predictably fell on her face.

"If you say one word about this to Ruby or Weiss," Yang said to Ren from behind the pancake, "I'll feed you to Blake."

"It's true that I'm a carnivore," said a giggling Blake, "but I was in the mood for pancakes."


	44. Neptune Nope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-Apr-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[no friend of mine](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3181743.html)" prompt.
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped _RWBY_ after v3c12.)

An outgoing female faunus and her shy human friend were making conversation with Sun.

"You're friends with Neptune, right?" the faunus-girl asked. "My bestie is crazy for him. Wanna go on a double date?"

"Awesome," Sun said. "Where would you like to go?"

"Dancing?" the faunus-girl asked.

Sun frowned. "Sorry, but Neptune can't dance."

"Oh," the faunus-girl said. "How about the beach?"

"Neptune can't swim either," Sun said sheepishly.

"Maybe this wasn't a good idea," the faunus-girl said to her friend.

"Did I say I was friends with Neptune?" Sun said. "I meant to say, I've never met the guy!"


	45. Cucumblebee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 9-Jul-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[all ideas are good ideas](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3221174.html)" prompt.
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped _RWBY_ after v3c12.)
> 
> This contains extreme violence and cruel humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Ruby and Yang spotted Blake in a mostly-empty cafeteria. Yang held up a [cucumber](http://news.nationalgeographic.com/2015/11/151117-cats-cucumbers-videos-behavior/) and winked at Ruby.

"No, Yang!" said Ruby in dismay.

"YES Yang!" said Yang.

Yang walked up to Blake, placed the cucumber beside Blake, and then cleared her throat.

Blake turned in her seat and saw the cucumber.

Yang suddenly realized that she should not have been standing between Blake and the exit.

—

"...and that's what happened," Ruby said to Weiss.

"How's Yang doing?" Weiss asked.

"She should be released from the hospital in a few days."

"And Blake?"

"Her new therapist says she's making progress."


	46. Let Her Eat Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Nov-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the most dangerous food is wedding cake](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3253389.html)" prompt.
> 
> Just an excuse to parody [Rooster Teeth Podcast #271](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unbAW5kMPNE&t=0m40s). This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped _RWBY_ after v3c12.)

Weiss had invited Ruby and Yang to the wedding of a Schnee Dust Company executive (Blake had obviously declined).

Just before the reception, Yang and Ruby walked up to the wedding cake. "That looks delicious," Ruby said.

"Why don't you have some?" a mischievous Yang said.

"Can I cut it now?" Ruby asked nervously.

"Sure," Yang lied with a twinkle in her eye.

Weiss appeared in the nick of time. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" she cried.

"Can't I cut it now?" Ruby asked nervously.

"NO!!" Weiss shrieked.

"Awww," Yang said. "Can't I have a LITTLE fun?"

"NO!!" Weiss shrieked again.


	47. Don't Fear The Reaper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 3-Jan-2017; horror?/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[a girl who is both death and the maiden](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3284216.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[Don't Fear The Reaper](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FS8p_F0Stog)" by Blue Oyster Cult.
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in RWBY Chibi canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)

Weiss was half-asleep in her bunk-bed when she heard the door slowly open. She looked up and saw a silhouette of a figure wearing a blood-red cape and holding an enormous scythe.

Thinking Death had come for her, Weiss screamed a piercing scream and passed out.

Yang fell off her bunk-bed in shock. "Fer cryin' out loud, Ruby!" she said angrily from the floor. "Haven't we asked you not to sneak up on Weiss with Crescent Rose in hand? That scream scared ME half to death!"

"Weiss' screams are even more painful with my Faunus ears," a wincing Blake noted.


	48. Criminal Sunscreening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Feb-2017; humor/parody; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[a bitter star will follow you, an empty sky will swallow you](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3295603.html)" prompt.
> 
> This (obviously) takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. (Neo's Work Is Never Done.) Reader discretion is advised.

Roman and Neo were relaxing at the beach. Roman wore his white coat over swimming trunks like a robe, while Neo wore a modest one-piece swimsuit under her open parasol.

Roman looked up at a cloudless sky. "My ginger skin and your 'ice cream' complexion will burn under this sun," he said. "Have you got any sunscreen?"

Neo nodded and held up a huge tube of sunscreen.

Roman cast off his coat. "[Then GREASE ME UP WOMAN!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9_jIa2WADc)" he cried dramatically.

Neo stared at the wall of surprisingly well-sculpted male muscle before her, and then she gave Roman an enthusiastic thumbs-up.


	49. Reign Of Blows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Mar-2017; humor?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[there's some things you can learn best in the calm, and some in the storm](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3306592.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[Reign Of Blows](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVi4jjK3DVc)" by XTC.
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)
> 
> This contains weird graphic imagery. Reader discretion is advised.

Team CFVY was patrolling in a warm heavy rain. "Buck up, little campers!" Coco cried. "We won't have sunny skies for every job!"

"I HATE getting water in my Faunus ears," a miserable Velvet said. "And why are YOU so happy? You're hardly the outdoorsy type."

"Use your imagination," Coco said. "This isn't really rain."

"It isn't?" Velvet asked nervously.

"Nope," Coco said with a _yandere_ grin. "We're BATHING in the TEARS and the BLOOD and the ENTRAILS of our ENEMIES!!"

"Eww," said Velvet.

She turned to Fox and Yatsuhashi. "I mean, EWW, right?"

"Eww," Fox and Yatsuhashi agreed meekly.


	50. Dorm Of Doom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Apr-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[they leave a ruin; and they meet a ruin in return](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3316945.html)" prompt.
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)

Team RWBY was returning to their room after a training mission amongst mostly-destroyed ancient stone monuments.

"I wonder who left all of those mysterious structures in ruins," Ruby thought out loud as she unlocked the door.

The girls entered their room, and looked over strewn clothing, weaponry parts and Dust, and a complete mess in general.

"We have met the enemy," Weiss said dryly, "and they are US."

"I need some rest," Blake said, "but I can't even see my bed."

"I can't even see RUBY," said Yang. "You still here, kiddo?"

"Help," said a vaguely Ruby-shaped pile of clothing.


	51. I Just Made You Say Underwear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 18-May-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[no one asked you to come](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3324655.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> Partly inspired by the [similar scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZwGeYu2pOQ&t=5m53s) in v1e3. See also "[Pinch Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJJL-NoeFmA&t=2m57s)" by Barenaked Ladies.
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)
> 
> This contains mild adult humor, near-Enabler, and sudden extreme violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Weiss, Blake, and Yang were clothes-shopping, with Ruby behind them. "SO BORING," Ruby whined.

"No one asked you to come," Weiss snapped. "But we'll have lunch after one more store."

The girls walked up to a lingerie shop. "Um... meet you at the café?" Ruby said nervously.

"C'mon, Rubles. You're a 'big' girl now." Yang gave Ruby's chest a not-too-gentle grope from behind.

"YANG! STAHP!" Ruby giggled while throwing punches that quickly led to another [Big Ball O' Violence](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BigBallOfViolence).

"They're so cute together... and so HOT," Blake said absently.

"It's so tiring being the only sane one," Weiss said sadly.


	52. Porkslope Turkeyhandle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 15-Jun-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[familiar sounds, familiar smells, the voices of friends](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3326885.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also [ATARI DUMBLEDORE FROM PORKSLOPE TURKEYHANDLE](https://www.lurkmore.com/view/Atari_Dumbledore).
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)

Team JNPR had finally been allowed to eat lunch in the academy cafeteria again, some time after their [epic food fight](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PzPZ6joXq5Y&t=6m22s) with Team RWBY.

"I missed eating lunch here," a sentimental Jaune said. "The sounds of students talking and laughing... the smells of surprisingly-good comfort food..."

"* _phmmmph mmmph mmmph_ *," said Nora.

"And the team-mate with her head inexplicably stuck inside [a whole turkey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2wsZPQZAmk&t=0m10s)," Jaune said sadly.

"* _phmmmph mmmph mmmph_ *," Nora said again.

"Nora, dear? We can't understand you," Pyrrha said gently. "Your head is inexplicably stuck inside a whole turkey."

"I have trouble understanding her in ANY situation," Ren noted.


	53. Hair Triggered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 15-Jul-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[Yuputka (Ulwa): A word made for walking in the woods at night, it’s the phantom sensation of something crawling on your skin](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3327585.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)
> 
> This contains Weiss' impending death. Reader discretion is advised.

Team RWBY were creeping through a dark area of Grimm-infested forest, shoulder to shoulder, weapons drawn.

"Juh- just stay cuh- calm," Ruby said unconvincingly. "There's no Guh- Grimm that could sneak up on us—"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!" Weiss suddenly shrieked, spun in place, and slashed around herself with Myrtenaster.

"WATCH IT!!" Blake snapped. "What is WRONG with you!?"

"I felt something brush my neck!!" Weiss cried. She reached under her collar— and found a clump of blond hair.

Ruby and Blake immediately disappeared.

Weiss calmly accepted her fate. "Yang? Kill me quickly, please," she said forlornly.

"No promises," a seething Yang snarled.


	54. Faunus Got Her Tongue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 3-Aug-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[when anger spreads inside your breast keep watch against an idly barking tongue](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3328150.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)
> 
> Neo's piercing fanon was inspired by [this fanart](http://kelbremdusk.tumblr.com/post/102042105249).
> 
> This contains weird cruel humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Blake walked up to Yang, pulling Neo along behind her. "Look what I found," Blake said smugly.

Yang did a double-take. "Wait— are you holding her by her TONGUE!?"

"Yep," Blake said. "She has a piercing. The little snot stuck her tongue out at me— but she wasn't counting on my feline faunus reflexes."

"Why did you drag her back here," Yang asked, "instead of turning her in?"

"I thought you'd like to watch me drag her the LONG way round," a sadistic Blake said.

"Blake, you CRAZY WEIRDO FREAK," said a grinning Yang. "I LOVE YOU."

Neo audibly whimpered.


	55. Toss Her A Cookie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 8-Sep-2017; humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[nourish your own ruthlessness](https://31-days.livejournal.com/2593257.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> Partly inspired by "[Must Be Nice](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlO9dymswPM)." This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped _RWBY_ after v3c12.)

Ruby and Yang walked up to the open doorway of Oobleck's classroom, but Ruby paused. "What's the prob, Bob?" asked Yang.

"I don't know if I'm 'up to' class with Professor Oobleck today," Ruby said reluctantly.

Yang reached down the front of her blouse and whipped out a large chocolate-chip cookie. "Would you do it for a '[Ruby Snack](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scooby_Snacks)'?"

Ruby immediately perked up, and puppy ears magically appeared on her head. "Uh huh uh huh!!" she said with drooling mouth.

Yang tossed the cookie into the classroom. "FETCH!!"

Ruby darted into the classroom— and up to Oobleck, who was standing in the aisle with a cup of coffee in his hand and a large chocolate-chip cookie on his head.

"Aaaaaare you going to eat that?" Ruby asked with a painfully fake smile.

Oobleck reached up, broke off half the cookie, dunked it in his coffee, and stuffed it in his mouth.

"Oh." Ruby's shoulders slumped again. "Well, I'll just go take my seat before this gets any worse—"

"DETENTION!!" Oobleck shouted, spraying cookie crumbs.

Ruby brushed the crumbs off her clothing. "Eww," she said.

"And detention for the mischief-maker in the hallway!!" Oobleck cried.

"Aw, MAN," Yang said from off-camera.


	56. Highly Ineffective People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Sep-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[even my beloved people will fall like petals](https://31-days.livejournal.com/2593257.html)" prompt (back-posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)

Weiss and Blake watched Ruby dispatch a horde of Grimm single-handedly with ease in a flurry of petals.

"I'm glad she's on our side," Blake thought out loud. "Even the bravest Faunus warriors would fall to her."

"My people would fare no better against her," Weiss admitted.

Blake raised an eyebrow. "Weiss? No offense, but most of your 'people' are office workers, not fighters."

"Never underestimate the terror that a tax accountant can inflict on his victims," Weiss said nervously.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Blake said, "but do you need a hug?"

"Yes please," Weiss whimpered.


	57. Knee Jerk Reaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 14-Oct-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[beauty / the healer, the teacher—](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329101.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)
> 
> This contains extremely painful violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Ozpin and Glynda watched Cardin corner a clearly uncomfortable coed in a hallway while he chatted her up.

"Do you think we should intervene?" Ozpin asked.

"As a Huntress in training, that girl can take care of herself," Glynda said. "And I suspect Cardin is about to learn an important lesson."

Cardin rested his hand on the coed's shoulder, and she immediately brought her knee up against his groin. Cardin froze, and then fell over like a toppled tree.

"However," Glynda added, "we probably should call the school nurse."

"And students say MY lessons are cruel," a wincing Ozpin said.


	58. Use Moar Gun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 9-Nov-2017; horror?/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[time to get a gun](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329779.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> [Meet The Engineer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNgNBsCI4EA&t=0m48s).
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)
> 
> This contains possible pending body horror. Reader discretion is advised.

Yang found Ruby standing at a machinist's bench and working on her weapon.

"Hey Rubles?" said Yang. "It's after midnight. Let's call it a day, OK?"

"I've found ten square centimeters on Crescent Rose that DON'T have a gun built-in," Ruby said excitedly. "MUST! ENHANCE!"

"Ohhhhh-KAY," Yang said. "You're DEFINITELY getting carried away here."

Ruby turned to Yang. "Come to think of it, YOU could use moar gun too."

Yang frowned. "What's wrong with Ember Celica?"

Ruby picked up a scalpel. "I wasn't talking about your WEAPONS," she said with a dead-eyed _yandere_ smile.

Yang took a first step back.


	59. Special Snowflake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 15-Dec-2017; general/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the cat tore down the Christmas tree again](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3330148.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)
> 
> This contains gratuitous Monochrome. Reader discretion is advised.

Weiss was helping Ruby and Yang decorate a small Christmas tree in their room, but a moody Blake was reading.

"Blake?" said Ruby. "Wanna put the star on top with us?"

"I'll pass," Blake said coldly.

"Are you sure?" Weiss held up a large star-shaped snowflake ornament. "It has our names on it— including yours."

Blake examined the ornament. "Did you make this?... For ALL of us?"

"Well, I 3D-modeled it," Weiss said with unusual modesty. "...Blake?"

Blake scowled while brushing away happy tears. "We're NOT 'having a moment'," she growled.

Weiss smiled smugly. "Oh, Blake. You're a terrible liar."


	60. Sloth And Order

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Jan-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I've studied signs, and know their marks](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3331131.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)

Ren was reading in the library when Nora crept up and examined him with an magnifying glass.

"What are you doing?" Ren asked patiently.

"Looking for the sloth," Nora whispered.

"Why are you looking for a sloth in the library?" Ren asked.

"It ate the pancakes," Nora explained.

"Nora, there aren't any pancakes in the library," Ren said.

"I KNOW!" Nora said excitedly. "The sloth ate ALL of 'em!"

Ren sighed and stood up. "C'mon, Nora. I'll make pancakes for us."

"What about the sloth?" Nora asked worriedly.

"I have extra pancake mix," Ren said. "It can have another serving."


	61. One Track Minds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Feb-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[everyone thinks there is one way of dealing with a problem](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3332043.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)
> 
> This contains brief kinky humor (because Blake). Reader discretion is advised.

Weiss found Yang bench-pressing ridiculously huge weights and Blake patiently spotting her partner.

"Aren't you overdoing it?" Weiss asked Yang.

"MUST— GET— STRONGER!!" Yang gasped. "MUST— BEAT— SNOT— OUT— OF— NEO!!"

Weiss sighed. "Yang, you can't defeat Neo with strength alone. Right, Blake?"

"Indeed," Blake agreed. "One also needs stealth and speed to capture Neo..."

"THANK you," Weiss said.

But Blake wasn't done. "...so that one can TIE HER UP and DOMINATE her with LOVE!"

Weiss face-palmed. "Sometimes I wonder why I talk to either of you."

"I wonder why you EVER talk to us," Yang said with a grin.


	62. Giving Her The Business

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Mar-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[it’s easy to do the right thing when it doesn’t cost you](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3333751.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)

A dejected Team RWBY left Ozpin's office after an unusually stern scolding.

"He had a point," Ruby said. "We prevented another Dust robbery... but we destroyed several businesses and significant infrastructure in the process."

"Still, we might as well take advantage of this unfortunate situation." Weiss sent a message on her scroll. "From Weiss Schnee... To Schnee Dust Company, Acquisitions Department... 'Here are some real-estate redevelopment opportunities in the Vale business district.'"

"That's gotta be some kind of unethical business practice," Yang said.

"You really are a cold-blooded calculating Schnee," Blake added.

"Thank you for the compliments," Weiss said smugly.


	63. Stumble Inn And Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 9-Apr-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[he drinks, not to forget but to remember](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3336873.html)" prompt.
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)
> 
> This contains slapstick violence and drinking humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Yang walked into a bar. "Thanks for calling me," she said to the bartender. "Where is he?"

The bartender pointed to a drunken Qrow, who was trying to leave. He stumbled twice towards the door, walked into the doorjamb and fell flat on his back.

Yang grabbed her uncle and dumped him on a barstool. "Give him one more for the road," she said. "If we get him slightly more drunk, he'll stumble THREE times. That'll put him 'in sync' with the doorway."

"I'm not sure if you're the best niece ever," the bartender said, "or the WORST niece ever."


	64. Cocoa Go Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-May-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[only then I am human](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3337647.html)" prompt.
> 
> This takes place before v3c12, or in _RWBY Chibi_ canon, or as AU fanon. (I dropped RWBY after v3c12.)
> 
> This contains somewhat out-of-character humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Ozpin and Glynda walked into the dining hall some time after the Team-RWBY/Team-JNPR food fight, and found an even rowdier group of students raising a [ruckus](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xo21CkoxEmA&t=1m16s).

"Those CHILDREN are acting like ANIMALS," Glynda growled. "They need some DISCIPLINE!!"

"Now, now," Ozpin said as he walked up to a hot-chocolate machine. "They only need to—"

The machine was broken. "OH FOR PITY'S SAKE!!" Ozpin suddenly yelled. "WHAT DOES A MAN HAVE TO DO TO GET SOME COCOA!?"

Glynda raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry," Ozpin said meekly.

"On second thought," Glynda said smugly, "ALL of you just need some cocoa and a nap."


End file.
